The Rise In Flaws Of The Roman Empire

I settled down to watch Rome, the latest Sword and Sandals epic to hit our screens. Given its pedigree, a BBC/HBO mongrel, I had high hopes; a big budget, respectable cast and the promise of historical accuracy. Of course, in tandem I also entertained the possibility it could be: ‘A Funny Thing Happened to Mark Anthony Soprano on the Deadwoodos Chariot on the Way to the Forum’. I wasn’t disappointed on either front. On the whole I found it watch-able hokum.

Potoris [pardon my latin throughout]

Nevertheless, I sat there waiting [eagerly, I must confess] for the usual historical continuity mistakes. Regrettably, there appeared to be few. No digital watches or Adidas trainers I’m afraid. We did have the renegade legionnaire talking of ‘f*cking all the whores and smoking all the smoke’. I believe our favourite four letter word did not become the swear word it is [or rather was] until at least a millennium and a half later. Not that this is new. Christian Slater’s character in Robin Hood, Prince of Turds, wrongly used it in its present context. But at least he was in the right country.

What shall we do with this mo-fo Sire?

Rome’s makers will no doubt explain it away by saying that since the Legion happened to be stationed in Gaul, [which encompassed much of modern France and parts of Germany] he could have picked it up from the locals, who may have spoken some proto-Anglo-Saxon. Fair enough. But smoking? Surely a much later innovation to Europe, especially in the dope smoking sense implied here. I don't recall the Cornish Phil from Timeteam excitedly running to Tony Robinson
exclaiming 'Oooh arr, we've jest dug up an entact Roman crackpipe!'

Crepito-fistula

By far the most glaring faux pas was the gratuitous amount of finely trimmed Brazilians on display from the bed-hopping female cast. Are we to believe that the ancient Romans had a home waxing kit in every villa? Surely the special effects department could have rustled up some period pelmets? I can’t confess to be an expert on pre-Christian European female grooming. Did they do their toga-line? But then, who can? I’m not an expert in Ancient Roman anything...

Domus incero

Admittedly, this was a drama, not a docu-drama or documentary, so we can let them off. The major problem with historical dramas out with human experience is that we are never presented with an authentic historical account. It is difficult to be completely objective with events in our own lifetime, so it is no surprise that a study of ancient Rome will have a large degree of subjectivity inbuilt. Although given the relative scarcity of vivid day to day accounts of the period we can only try and construct the era from our own experience, the rationale being that human behaviour has not changed greatly over the centuries, only the clothes and technology advances.

Fearfully great lizard

Why am I so bothered? Well I’m a historian, of sorts. Well in so much as I have a history degree. Unlike some other degrees, one does not become a historian at graduation or indeed recognised as one simply on the basis of the qualification. You have to write umpteen books and suddenly one day when you are in your fifties or are installed as a professor, then you become a ‘Historian’.

Ventosus

I recall going for a haircut with a few fellow undergraduates. The barber, who bore an amusing physical resemblance to ‘Oddbod Junior’ from ‘Carry On Screaming’ upon hearing what we studied, asked ‘History? Does that me you ‘ave t’study everything that has ever happened?’

Tonsoris

This idiot savant had hit the nail on the head. You could study everything, but who has the time? Most academic and professional historians specialise in certain areas. I mostly studied European and America history of the last 200 years, because that’s what interests me. I could have pursued earlier ears, but I prefer the modern era because more evidence exists and we can look at the events from all sides. Further back in the midsts of time, we may only have one account, often biased. More often than not we are treated to a historical reconstruction which is more fiction than fact, which brings me back to Rome.

Historia

So if any Roman experts are reading please feel free to reply. I’m sure there is someone out there who knows all the known movements of Julius Caesar in the same way some conspiracy buffs can tell you how many times Lee Harvey Oswald farted on 22nd November 1963.

Brutus?

Professional historians are no different in their endless anal quest for the minutiae of their pet topic. I am reminded of the old historian’s joke, [that means it will be clever but not exactly funny]
A student approaches his lecturer, a renowned expert on the French Revolution.
‘Professor Brownlow, I’m writing an essay on the storming of the Bastille and I wondered if you could help me out?’
She looks at him blankly as if he has just requested an in-depth analysis of the theory of relativity in Swahili
‘I have no idea what went on, you’d best ask Dr Russell, that’s his week.’
Ba-boom Chish! I thank you.

Doleo collum methinks